@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

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@iamspacegirl

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

@Divergentmama

The Shining is my favorite book about the importance of work-life balance

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@blade_funner

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@KarenGiannina6

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.