@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

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@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@LostFelicia

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this