Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”