@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

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@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@PinkCamoTO

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

@HoldinCoffeeld

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@Jenn_H_Scott

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@jakob_huber

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”