DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
cop: also you hit 26 cars
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store
1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air
2) Name it Fresh Prints
3) Make millions
4) Move to West Philadelphia
Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.