@babarbaaz_

A movie with a rating of 3.14 is a pirated movie

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@13spencer

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

@Shade510

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

@Lexactly

Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

@jonnysun

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming