if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
You Might Also Like
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?