Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A movie with a rating of 3.14 is a pirated movie
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming