A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
For the ones in the back.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].