@SIGHFIDELITY

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*

- @SIGHFIDELITY

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@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@LoniBryantt

It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@McClaneJohn2

If a cheesecake has fruit on it, is it ok to eat for breakfast?

Asking for me.

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he’s Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.