Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?