a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

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Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.


Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.


“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.


He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.


The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.


My girlfriend thinks that I can’t cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I’ll prove her wrong.


[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say


Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.