@RandiLawson

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

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@debon7

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

@refreshingslurp

[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*

@Froschauer_AF

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

@ceejoyner

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

@DudeMass

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@Kyle_Lippert

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*