@RandiLawson

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

You Might Also Like

@hmcpherson17

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

@onedogsopinion

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@Darlainky

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@iRowlf

My girlfriend thinks that I can’t cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I’ll prove her wrong.

@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

@VintageBabe1212

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.