a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I can’t be the only one 😂
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.