If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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Townsperson: these are always so morbid
Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*