a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.