a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident