a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.