What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?
Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.