A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Natural selection at its finest
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.