Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“My fellow Americans-”
“we are working tirelessly-”
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”