I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]
GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-
[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]
In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible
Opponent: I wish you luck
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey