A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
what could possibly go wrong?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.