A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute