A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
He took my last fry, your honor
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab