DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
me
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.