[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
murderer: line up single file so I can murder you in the most efficient way
me to the guy in line behind me: I like that he’s a businessman
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.