A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday