A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.