@CornOnTheGoblin

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

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@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@living_marble

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.