A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair