Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
taking care of yourself is punk rock
I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.
Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.
*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.