@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

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@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@novicefather

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

@ThugPickles

OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@Smethanie

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.