A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You Might Also Like
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
That’s enough internet for the day
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random