It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else