A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.