@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

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@RandiLawson

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

@Kevaclysm

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

@sfreeze6

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@Skoog

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

@RobDenBleyker

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@drayzze

Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”