A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”


Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.


Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.


If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.


older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive




older coworker: you don’t get any cake


Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa


If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.


Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”