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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move