[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
me linking you to my twitter
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from