A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.