A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Life hack
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
who will stop them
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.