A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.


*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!


My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.


Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.


Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.


Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.


Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?



For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.


Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope