@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

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@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@mommywhines

It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@MacAnnabella

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

@briancthayer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@lecalabara

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope