me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Interior design 👌
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas