I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
remember
only for emergencies
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.