My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations