hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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Friends that check up on you >
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Who’s your best friend?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only