@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

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@Freudianscript

When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

@dru0887

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

@EndhooS

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

@TweetPotato314

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

@jonnysun

be careful tonight honey, guys ur age only want one thing…. sports. so b careful not to look too much like sports out there

@4handfuls

Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…

@Jonesy_donkey

I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this