We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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at ease…shoulder.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
This is my favorite one of these!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.