A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that