There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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SON: can i yell bomb?
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.