A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*