A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Tell me you get it…🤣
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.