@TylerLinkin

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

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@Darlainky

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@existentialcoms

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

@TheTalkingPipe

Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work