A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”