A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Alexa, make me look good naked.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.