@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

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@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@blade_funner

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

@sonictyrant

doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.

@mejustbeth

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

@Gre_Gone

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”