A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

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[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR


Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*


Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.


doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?


an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today


me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi


I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.


Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!


Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”