A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.