@SkinnerSteven
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
@dad_on_my_feet
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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@SkinnerSteven
@UncleDuke1969
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
@RealDMK
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
@Marlebean
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
@Aikiwomannc
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
@Arr
@ADHDeanASL
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
@moose_chocolate
I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.
@LizerReal
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
@withanewname
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”