I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.
Wife: [sends text] WTF!
Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
ME: who’s a good boy
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
what’s on your back?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really