A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Buck naked
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.