@NatasshaStash

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

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@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@ThatMummyLife

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@JustMeTurtle

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

@murrman5

what’s on your back?
“a katana”
what?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”

@sofarrsogud

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

@Big_Cat74

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

@ThatgyalKrys

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really