A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.


Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person.

Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.


Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”


ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a


A picture’s worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.


Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.


You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’


College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.