A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The honesty is refreshing
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce