Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Brands during Pride
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
#NoRestForTheWicked
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”