My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Saturday
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot