A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.