Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Straight people are cancelled
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
A man of commitment.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…