A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.