A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”