A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”