A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”