A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked