No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.