A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
How wrong was this guy?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
In banana years, I am bread.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
They’re stuck in your pants?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets