A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Accurate
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*puts my mental health in rice
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦